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André de Guillaumes „Wie man berühmt wird“ (Rezension)

Für alle, die für die Zeit nach dem Examen noch keine Stelle haben und nicht wissen, welchen genauen Weg ihre Karriere einschlagen soll – werden Sie doch einfach berühmt! Dazu sollten Sie vorher unbedingt ein schmales Bändlein lesen, das letzten Monat erschien und weitaus unterhaltsamer und karrierefördernder ist als viele andere Berufsanfänger-Bücher: Wie man berühmt wird – das Handbuch für den angehenden Superstar. Unter dem Pseudonym André de Guillaume veröffentlicht, gibt Ihnen dieses Brevier wertvolle Ratschläge, „wie man plant, sich selbst durch faire oder unflätige Mittel ins Rampenlicht zu setzen, und wie man, wenn man dort erst einmal angekommen ist, die Augen der Welt auf sich gerichtet hält“, so der Autor zu Beginn des Buchs: „Betrachten Sie dieses handliche Buch als Ihren Reisepass zum Ruhm. Wir zeigen Ihnen, wie Sie es bis an die Spitze schaffen – sei es als A-Promi (mit großem Talent und Ruhm) oder als D-Promi (Talent ist nicht unbedingt nötig, aber Ihr Zugang ist dafür auch nur durch die Hintertür möglich).“ Interessant ist übrigens, dass der Autor behauptet, es gäbe nur A-, B- und D-Promis, nicht aber C-Promis. Vermutlich kommt das daher, weil es in seiner Heimat keine C-Parteien gibt…
Nach einem Fragebogen „Sind Sie ruhmtauglich?“ widmet sich das Erste Kapitel der „Supermacht der Superstars“, die „weit über jene gewöhnlicher Sterblicher hinausgeht”. Der Autor, dessen Weltherrschaft für Anfänger – das Handbuch für angehende Diktatoren im Juli 2007 in unserer alten FH-Internetzeitung rezensiert wurde, meint nonchalant: „Berühmt zu sein bedeutet, wie ein Diktator herrschen zu können, allerdings ohne jemanden umbringen zu müssen.“ Das ist dann wohl der Fortschritt der Zivilisation, dessen Fortschreiten der Autor im Zweiten Kapitel thematisiert, einem geschichtlichen Rückblick, in dem der Autor als Zutaten für unsterblichen Ruhm folgende Dinge festmacht: „ein cooler Name, eine umstrittene Persönlichkeit und energische PR.“ Verschiedenen Persönlichkeiten ordnet der Autor in diesem Kapitel unter anderem verschiedene „Ruhmlektionen“ zu, beispielsweise diese: „Wenn Sie Macht haben, üben Sie sie gnadenlos aus, und lassen Sie sich von niemandem eine falsche Entscheidung ausreden, niemals.“
Das Dritte Kapitel steht unter der Überschrift „Babyruhm“ und beginnt mit den weisen Worten: „Es gibt keinen besseren Zeitpunkt, die Weltherrschaft ins Auge zu fassen, als den, wenn Ihre Spielkameraden noch Angst im Dunkeln haben.“ Hilfreich hierbei sei unter anderem ein ruhmhungriger Papa oder eine Mutter, die „Sie mit der zerstörerischen Entschlossenheit eines Rottweilers bis ganz nach oben bringen“ wird, denn Sie sollen es ja mal besser haben als Ihre Eltern. Ob mit oder ohne ehrgeizige Eltern – Spezialisierung tut laut Kapitel Vier not, wenn man auf einer der „Überholspuren zum Ruhm“ landen will; der Autor nennt diverse Möglichkeiten. Aber sogar wenn man gar nichts kann, kann man immer noch eines, meint der Autor am Schluss des Kapitels: geschickt heiraten. „Schneller Ruhm mittels Heirat hatte früher gewaltige Nachteile. Anne Boleyn wurde durch die Heirat mit Heinrich VIII. auf der Stelle zum Superstar, aber eine Liaison, die mit Ihrer Enthauptung endet, ist vergleichsweise blöde [...]. Heutzutage ist die Ehe mit jemandem von der A-Liste eine tolle Methode, richtig schnell richtig berühmt zu werden“. Wenn es bei Ihnen für keine Überholspur reicht, dann vielleicht für eine der „Schnellstraßen zum Ruhm“ (Kapitel 5). Beispielsweise kann man Literat werden, dabei in seinen Texten mit dem Erfolgsrezept „schlicht und schleimig“ reüssieren oder mit dem folgenden: „so schwieriges und gedrechseltes Zeug zu schreiben, dass es kaum jemand versteht – oder so lange Sätze, dass man gar nichts damit anfangen kann.“ Kennt man das als StudentIn dieser Hochschule? Natürlich nicht!
Das Sechste Kapitel ist mit „Schleichwege zum Ruhm“ betitelt. „Das Schöne am Schleichweg zum Ruhm [...] – abgesehen davon, dass er absolut jedem zugänglich ist – besteht darin, dass er praktisch skandalsicher ist, weil bekanntermaßen die Schleichweg-Philosophie darauf gründet, dass jede Werbung gute Werbung ist.“ Als „Autobahn unter den Schleichwegen“ rät der Autor von „Anstrengendem wie DSDS, Kochduell oder Germany’s Next Topmodel“ ab und empfiehlt Reality-Sendungen wie Big Brother, „bei denen Sie auf Reptilienniveau funktionieren können (viel Herumfaulenzen, unterbrochen von gelegentlichen heftigen Ausbrüchen oder unbeholfenem Wettstreit um Partner oder Hackordnung)“.
Dem Erfolgsrezept „Auffallen“ ist das gesamte Siebte Kapitel gewidmet. „’Kontrovers’ [sein] ist ein unentbehrlicher Raketentreibstoff, um Ihre Karriere in die Umlaufbahn zu schießen. Die Promi-Industrie erwartet sogar, dass Sie über einige Macken, Ticks, Marotten und überhaupt Ungeheuerlichkeiten verfügen, durch die Sie sich von jenen anderen unterscheiden, die lediglich brillant begabt sind.“ Ein Typ so schräg wie der Turm zu Pisa zu sein, reicht aber nicht – es muss ein gutes Fundament her. „So wie ein Wolkenkratzer ein gutes Fundament benötigt, muss auch Ihr kometengleicher Aufstieg zum Ruhm mit einer legendären Hintergrundgeschichte beginnen [...]. Und der ultimative Schlüssel zu dieser Hintergrundgeschichte ist Elend: Armut, Krankheit, Sucht, Missbrauch“, notfalls auch erfunden. (Falls man nichts erfinden kann, wende man sich halt an die Katholische Kirche.)
Um „Ruhm-Management“ geht es in Kapitel Acht, das unter anderem mit einem Test („Wie ist Ihr Promi-Status?“) aufwartet und einige Worte verliert über den Ausbau der eigenen „Marke“, Erotik als Erfolgsquelle und den Umgang mit den Medien. Melancholisch dagegen das Neunte Kapitel: „Der Preis des Ruhms“. Wollen wir gar nicht wissen! Wissen dagegen wollen wir das, was wir in Kapitel Zehn noch finden: „Die Legende lebt“. Auch dort aber weht ein Hauch von Melancholie hindurch: „Wenn alles andere nichts hilft, gibt es nichts Besseres als den Tod, um Ihnen die Fangemeinde zu verschaffen, nach der Sie sich immer sehnten. Das ist selbstverständlich eine extreme Möglichkeit, und wir können Ihnen eigentlich nicht dazu raten – aber in dem Augenblick, da Sie tot sind, sind Sie unweigerlich größer als je zuvor.“
Nach einem Fazit, das die Grundregeln des Ruhms zusammenfasst und die sichersten Anzeichen für Mega-Ruhm auflistet, folgt noch eine nicht ernst gemeint Biographie des Autors sowie ein annotiertes Personenregister. Die Seiteneinträge im Register sind differenziert nach bloßen Erwähnungen und ausführlichen Promi-Porträts, die sich jeweils über eine ganze Seite erstrecken. Immer in den insgesamt zehn Promi-Porträts und auch sonst vielerorts findet man bunte Bildchen (insgesamt über 30). Außerdem wartet das Buch mit netten Zitaten jeweils zu Kapitel-Beginn auf, die man vielleicht mal gebrauchen kann. Alles in allem: Wie man berühmt wird ist nicht ganz so bitter-lustig wie Weltherrschaft für Anfänger, aber immer noch lustig genug.

ISBN Wie man berühmt wird: 978-3-404-60634-4; EUR 8,99
ISBN Weltherrschaft für Anfänger: 978-3-404-60581-1; EUR 8,95

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